I've always had a love of Bond movies - I think it goes back to when I was a child; my mother knew I hated visits to the dentist so she'd bribe me with: "....and afterwards Michael, we'll go and see the new James Bond film at the Empire". I still get a toothache when I watch a Bond (Sean Connery) movie.
Looking back, a lot of that Roger Moore stuff was utter rubbish - these movies seemed to be produced with a knowing wink that said "but of course we grown-ups know better". Bond had become synonymous with comedy and that would have sent Ian Fleming into a very high rate of sub-terrainian rotation. I think The Man with the Golden Gun ("TMGG") and Moonraker represent the absolute nadir of the Bond/Moore films but, there were some stunning sequences in each. I would have been 18 when, in 1974 they released TMGG (well beyond treats from my Mum but still scared shitless of the dentist) - I can clearly remember being spellbound by the scenery as 007 meandered his Republic RC-3 SeaBee (seaplane) through the limestone casts of Phang Nga Bay in Thailand. At the time I thought "I would dearly love to go there one day and, to fly a plane through there would be better than having sex with Angelina and then having to listen to her drone on about how I'm a far better lay than Brad".
So it was with 35 years of pent-up desire that I planned to take "Little Nellie" and my longest standing friend "Joners" on a mission of a lifetime - Joners is a Bond-geek too! It should also be said at this point that Joners is a dead ringer for Donald Pleasance's Ernst Stavro Blofeld ! Here he is with "Kitler" - name inspired by her moustache:
We prepped Little Nellie (very Bondesque) and ensured the aerial mines/rockets/machine guns were all in working order. We rolled in a 4-knot surface wind and climbed out South to a small island (reporting point Romeo November) with Joners whistling various Bond tunes and shouting rubbish like "not so fast Mr Bond", etc, into the intercom - it was 28 deg C at 1,000' so no need for the Safari Suits that Roger Moore immortalized with such panache. Our airfield is about 8.5 nm SE of Phuket International and James Bond Island ("Koh Tapu") is about 12 nm ENE and so, as the Tanarg flies it isn't far but, being so close to this large airport we had to fly in a huge anti-clockwise arc to get there - I have to say that the Phuket controlling was fist class though.
We headed East-ish towards Koh Yao Yai (literally "Big Long Island") and kept around 850 feet over a calm sea with some small fishing boats scattered about - it was 17.20 and so the sea had a golden hue from the setting sun (sunset was 18.35). We swung a bit more North to pass over Koh Yao Noi ("Small Long Island") which is another (main) reporting point for all the traffic around the International airport. I had a good look at this smaller island since I'd spotted what I thought could be emergency landing spots for my Tanarg when I flew over previously in a passenger jet. Indeed I saw a few tracks on some flat land between rice paddies that could be used at a squeeze but, things would be tight! Then I thought "Fuckit - I'm James Bond and I can stuff it in anywhere".
We could now see the outcrops of Phang Nga National Park - hundreds of limestone islands, some towering over 1,000 feet into the sky, many of which have been hollowed-out by millions of years of sea corrosion, producing huge caves and lagoons. It looks at first like a theme park until you realize it's all been sculpted by nature.
Joners was now whistling the TMGG theme tune and I asked him where he thought the James Bond Island was located - we'd been there many times by boat but as I've said before, things always look a little different to how you expected them to look when you're aloft. He said it would probably be further North or further West and so we looked and spotted what we thought was Scaramanga's lair. On closer inspection it was indeed the crazy-mirrored hideout of the 3-nippled assassin and so we armed our weapons and went in for a closer inspection.
It was necessary to drop down to 250 feet at the Initial Point so as to advance-to-target with stealth - Scaramanga's "Chinese Landlords" were probably priming their SAMs at this point ! I selected "rockets" and turned on my reflector sight. We made a fairly steep spiral to bring us down-sun of the "tack" island - the one in the foreground that sprouts mirrored-wings which in turn drive Scaramanga's laser thingy:
As I rounded the larger island to the left, Joners spotted some yachts at anchor - obviously S.M.E.R.S.H. operatives hatching some evil plans. I immediately switched to "guns" and dropped to 120 feet for a strafing run - there was general pandemonium on the decks as they started to wave frantically at our speeding bullet (OK, Tanarg at 80 mph) - I let rip with a 3-second burst and sent three of their number to a watery grave; I'd have to make another run to finish-off the remaining two!
Back to "rockets" for the assault on the mirror-sprouting-tack, into a high-angle-of-bank-right-hander (at least 30 degrees anyway) and whoooosh! All three rockets found their target as Scaramanga was left weeping like a baby at seeing his life's work go up in smoke. Back to "guns" again for the final two yachts, still waving like angry palm trees on their decks - they knew what was coming! And YES, they were right - glug glug glug - they were well and truly buggered. It's tough being a double-0 but it's work that must be done.
We swooped-up again to about 200 feet and made a cruise-climb back to Koh Yao Noi. The flight home was uneventful but we had the satisfaction of knowing that "M" would give us a pat-on-the-back and who knows..... maybe some lurid sexual favours from Miss Moneypenny too (?) We approached Romeo November at 900 feet to make our report (radio won't work below this height because of line-of-sight issues with Phuket International - many mountains in the way) when again, Joners spotted what could only be S.P.E.C.T.R.E. operatives on the beach - mostly wearing scanty bikinis and carrying beach-towels to conceal their weapons.
Once more I selected "guns" and we flew down the beach at about 50 feet with my thumb pressed firmly on the trigger. Bodies spun on the spot like dolls as they copped the full brunt of my .50 cal rounds - some ran like cowards yelling "help me Mummy" for the cover of the trees. Others were lucky and got away this time, so we decided to call it a day, headed for home and put Nellie to bed. We then sank several Singhas each - aaaaah :)
It was a great mission and one I'd wanted to fly for so many years. Did we kill all the bad guys? Probably not this time - we'll just have to go back and do some mopping-up very soon. I enjoy taking people for pleasure flights around Phuket in my microlight, it's always fun if they haven't flown in an ultralite trike before.
